Tag Archives: hope

Dear Loneliness

21 Jun

Dear Loneliness,

I can’t remember when you first showed up, but I remember you’ve been part of us for a long, long time. I can’t remember when I first felt your presence but I do remember how you stubbornly refused to leave, always there, persistent and determined to break us. I can’t remember when I gave up, but I do remember wanting you gone, afraid once installed between us, you’ll be the one to win.

Loneliness. I hated you. I hated you with my whole being. I hated how you snuck between us, making yourself comfortable and at home. I hated what you brought between us: the cold, the silence and the pain. I hated how you stretched, lingered and took over. I hated how you gained the space between us, bringing us on the verge of no tomorrow.

Loneliness. So often I wanted to scream at you, punch and throw you out of the house. So often I wanted to tell the world your name and what you’d done to us. Make you feel ashamed for your ruthlessness. Make you leave. Make you pack your cold, silence and pain and make you disappear.

Somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow I lost the battle. I gave up. I let you win. Loneliness, I hope you’re happy now.

Broken and empty. Lost and wounded, that’s what I am, that’s how I feel. But amidst the darkness veiling my soul, somewhere very deep and where you, Loneliness, couldn’t reach, there’s the tiniest ray of light giving me reason to keep going: hope. Hope that one day I’ll be whole again. Hope that one day I’ll emerge stronger than ever and ready to love again.

Goodbyes are hard, but not this time, at least not with you, my dear Loneliness. You’ve been part of my life, part of us for a long, long time, but no more. It’s time we part ways, for good. Do not come back. Do not try to reconcile, it’s all futile. I’m actually not saying goodbye. I’m saying: good riddance.

One more time …

7 Jan

Every time I lose focus there is this card on my desk that reminds me of what’s important: little steps and staying on track.

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I remember exactly when I bought it and the way it made me feel: free and hopeful. Free of worries that I’m not a good enough writer, that my books aren’t read enough and that I can never achieve greatness. Worries that I am a looser. Maybe I am a looser but one day I will be a winner, because I keep trying….

Best (and worst) Christmas present ever…

24 Dec

The Holiday Blog Hop will end tomorrow and I’d like to leave you one last post before announcing the winners for the gifts I had prepared for this giveaway.

Someone asked me what was the best present I ever got for Christmas and for several seconds I rummaged through my mind’s boxes filled with dusted memories until this one surfaced, vividly, powerful, overwhelming. With no doubt in my mind this is the best present I ever got for Christmas, but the worst as well. Let me explain.

The best present I ever got for Christmas is the freedom of our country back in December 1989. Starting December 15th until December 25th 1989 Romanians fought for their freedom, taking back their country from the tyrant Ceausescu and the odious communists that for generations manipulated, deprived and starved the country. After ten bloody days Ceausescu and his wife were prosecuted and sentenced to death for crimes against the nation.

I remember sitting in the living room with my family, watching the trial live on TV. Looking back, the trial had been a rushed and forced joke—not that he didn’t deserve to die—but at that time it seemed the only solution to end the streets deadly clashes between regular individuals and Ceausescu’s dogs (the communists’ nickname).

The execution of Ceausescu and his wife was televised. I hated them for the hunger, the cold, and the brainwashing I’ve been forced to live through my entire life, yet I couldn’t watch them die. I remember hiding in the bathroom and crying, not because I felt sorry for them, but because in our hurry to get our country and freedom back, we became killers, staining our hands with blood on the holy day of Christmas. We couldn’t wait another day to get rid of Ceausescu and the communists. It had to be Christmas day.

Since then, nothing had been the same. Romania is now a democratic country, a free nation. We still struggle with corruption, poor economy and even poorer choices when it comes to elect our leaders. But one think that we got back when Ceausescu died and his regime disappeared was hope. Hope for a better day, for a better life. 22 years later hope is still alive… And sometimes that’s all we have.

Merry Christmas!