Tag Archives: loss

Letter To My Heart

27 Jul

My dear Heart,

I never thought I would ever consider writing you a letter, but somehow—and for many obvious reasons—here I am doing just that. The need to write to you is intense and overwhelming, so I can’t ignore it.

Like with the letter to Pain and Loneliness, I feel the need to acknowledge you in ways I never done before and tell you a few things . . . This one thought keeps circling . . .  not sure what I will accomplish with writing to you, but like so many things happening lately, not much makes sense these days so here we go:

I have this knot in my throat writing these words because . . . because the truth of the matter is . . . I’ve never taken good care of you. I’ve destroyed you too many times to count. I’ve taken you for granted. I’ve thrown you to the jackals and watched them rip you apart. Thrown you in the whirlwind of love, never once wondering if you can take it; never asking if you want it. If you could handle it. I’ve bruised you, let others wreck you over and over again . . . not giving you much time to breathe in between blows. Never letting you fully recover. Time and time again.

The smarter people say recovering from loss takes somewhere between 12 months to 24 months. Looking back at our history—I never mourned enough any of the losses you and I went through. I never let you fully heal. Acknowledge the loss, deal with it, say goodbye to it. Instead I found a new love—or a new love found me. The highs of that blanketed over your broken pieces, gave me new purpose, new strength and diverted my focus from what I should’ve paid attention to most: you. Feel your pain. Wipe your tears. Bandage your bleeding wounds. Put your pieces back together. Help you recover. Help you become whole again.

I guess . . . I’m a terrible home for your precious being. I treated you badly, as badly as those who shattered you over and over again. No wonder you hurt so much now and scream, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

As much as I let you down, I want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. I never intended to break you and let you become of stone. I never intended to make you pay for my mistakes.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I broke you and let others do the same.

I’m sorry I took you for granted.

I’m sorry I mistreated you.

I’m sorry.

I was hoping . . . could you ever forgive me?

 

Marie Tillman’s memoir THE LETTER–5 Star Review

24 May

They say behind each successful man, there’s a smart woman. I say behind each hero there’s a Marie.

The Letter by Marie Tillman is a heartfelt insight into her life after her husband’s death as well as a journey through all stages of grief she’s experienced since then. Pat Tillman’s life had been in the spotlight very little before he died as both he and Marie have shied away from the public eye, preferring the coziness of their home, the serenity of their relationship, the comfort of their love. The NFL player who gave up a successful career as a football player to enlist in the army became an icon after his death in April 2004. The circumstances surrounding his death still create a lot of controversy, including two congressional hearings and multiple investigations. Somehow Marie had to learn how to cope with the media infatuation with her husband as well as with all the attention she unwillingly received.

I applaud Marie for her ability to capture real feelings, real emotions making the book that much more intense, allowing readers a close look into a grieving heart. The book contains very little dialogue, but it’s easy to follow and finish in one sitting. Its simplicity, its reflection on life’s fragility and what matters most as well as how Marie chose to navigate through the murky waters of healing is done gracefully. From a shy lotus lily living in Pat’s shadow, Marie grew into a confident woman, working constantly to keep Pat’s legacy alive. She went through the stages of grief in her own way, at her own pace, and came out not completely healed but stronger.

The Letter is a compelling, poignant memoir, a true story of heroism and altruism behind the deadly lines of war.