Tag Archives: soul

You vs. me–An unfair match

10 Jul

Pain. I’ve known you for most of my life. I’ve tasted your bitterness and felt your blows. I’ve knelt under your weight and crawled under your pressure. I know your ways, your power and fury. Nothing you’d do to me could surprise me anymore.And yet . . . here you are once again . . . looming over me and unleashing your punches with such fury, I can no longer stand. Twisting and torturing my empty soul with such vengeance, I’m once again on my knees. Clawing my heart with the power of a thousand tentacles, squeezing breath and life out of me.

I’ve begged you to stop. I’ve begged you to lessen your punches. I’ve begged you for mercy, but you are relentless. You only know how to destroy everything in your wake. You can’t care less about what you leave behind you, the bigger the disaster the more you thrive.

Giving up would be so easy. Just declare you the winner of this match and let you reign over me. Let you settle in my bones, petrify my heart and turn my soul to ashes. It would be so easy. I’m already on my knees; all I have to do would be to bow and admit defeat.

Only I can’t.

Just can’t.

I can’t let you have this, let you stay much longer. I’ll fight you with every breath, defend what’s left of my shattered heart. You know why?

Because I’m worth it. Because I deserve to be happy. Because I am strong. I deserve to stand tall and live life how I want it.

Watch and learn, Pain. I’m getting up. I’m fighting back.

Dear Loneliness

21 Jun

Dear Loneliness,

I can’t remember when you first showed up, but I remember you’ve been part of us for a long, long time. I can’t remember when I first felt your presence but I do remember how you stubbornly refused to leave, always there, persistent and determined to break us. I can’t remember when I gave up, but I do remember wanting you gone, afraid once installed between us, you’ll be the one to win.

Loneliness. I hated you. I hated you with my whole being. I hated how you snuck between us, making yourself comfortable and at home. I hated what you brought between us: the cold, the silence and the pain. I hated how you stretched, lingered and took over. I hated how you gained the space between us, bringing us on the verge of no tomorrow.

Loneliness. So often I wanted to scream at you, punch and throw you out of the house. So often I wanted to tell the world your name and what you’d done to us. Make you feel ashamed for your ruthlessness. Make you leave. Make you pack your cold, silence and pain and make you disappear.

Somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow I lost the battle. I gave up. I let you win. Loneliness, I hope you’re happy now.

Broken and empty. Lost and wounded, that’s what I am, that’s how I feel. But amidst the darkness veiling my soul, somewhere very deep and where you, Loneliness, couldn’t reach, there’s the tiniest ray of light giving me reason to keep going: hope. Hope that one day I’ll be whole again. Hope that one day I’ll emerge stronger than ever and ready to love again.

Goodbyes are hard, but not this time, at least not with you, my dear Loneliness. You’ve been part of my life, part of us for a long, long time, but no more. It’s time we part ways, for good. Do not come back. Do not try to reconcile, it’s all futile. I’m actually not saying goodbye. I’m saying: good riddance.

Addicted. Taking a rain check on curing myself, thank you very much.

14 Dec

Existential questions have always been on my mind: why am I here? What’s the purpose of life, my life? What am I supposed to do?

Most of these questions remain so far unanswered while I grow … wiser one day at the time. But I do try to live my life in a way that it has purpose. I take each day as a brand new chance at something to create, something to leave behind so when I’m long gone people will remember me.

Several years ago, while on yet another quest to figure out who I was, I began writing. Doubting every word I wrote and myself a story took form. The more I wrote the more this fountain of creative juices rose inside me and before I knew what’s happening, I became addicted. My debut novel titled Hidden Heart was published in March of 2011. Since then three other novels spread their wings for the world to read them: A World Apart, Born In Vengeance and Born In Sin. Me Tarzan—You Jane is my latest novel out on December, 6th 2014. Several other stories are in process of being developed / edited / finished.

From an early age we learn that addictions are bad: drugs, alcohol, tobacco, gambling—you name it. I’ve long acknowledged that writing is my addiction. But I’ll be damn if I ever try to rid myself of it. No rehab, no treatment, no therapist or counselor would ever convince me this addiction is bad. You know why? Because unlike all other addictions writing nourishes my heart and soul. Writing gives me purpose, part of me as my very heart and, “until my moment comes / I’ll say… I, I did it all…”~ I lived by One Republic.

The Art In You. The Art In Me.

20 Nov

As colors are to a painter

So is clay to a sculptor.

As notes are to a composer

So are words to a writer.

 

Free your eyes to see

Free your mind to discover.

Free your heart to feel

Free your soul to wonder.

 

The Art in you.

The art in me.

Be free.

Be you.

~~~

Copyright © 2012 Camelia Miron Skiba